seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize