Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
