Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
