your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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