A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
