mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
