Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
