Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
