my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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