ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
