Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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