neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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