I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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