I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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