Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
