I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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