I never want to see another naked old woman again.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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