just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
