Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize