you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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