you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
