when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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