i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
