why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
