Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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