my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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