You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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