Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
