woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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