i don't like sucking hair
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
