i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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