I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize