I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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