At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
