I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
