Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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