It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
