It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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