You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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