I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
