you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
