yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
