Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm both gender and math confused
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
