you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
