WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
