I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
