our cab driver is having phone sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
