he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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