he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
