Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
