Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
