I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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