We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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