I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Enjoy the penises
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
