If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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